Even reading the title I’m sure some of you (more so those who follow me on Twitter and are on my Facebook) are gonna be all like “WE GET IT, YOU’RE IN A RELATIONSHIP NOW AND YOU’S ALL SUPER MUSHY. JUST STOP.”
I know I knoooooow guys but please, bare with me? Cool? Thanks.
Recently, I’ve been feeling really emotional and I don’t even mean in a negative way. I feel like I’ve been tearing up/crying a lot recently… The smallest things set me off when before I would have just been all like “awww isn’t that cute?!” But now I’m all like, “AWWWW THAT’S SO CUTE AND I’M JUST GONNA CRY ABOUT THIS NOW!” The capital letters are very important to this. *nods*
The above is a very interesting way to describe my current state of mental health because I can’t remember either the last time I’ve felt like this or indeed if I have ever felt like this. Just reading that back it feels like a grand statement because, well, it is. Remember in my previous post, a while ago where I’ve talked about mental health and more specifically a ‘vulnerability hangover?’ Well, it feels like I’m living in that vulnerability now and it’s not scary like it was before… I don’t feel the need to retreat or withdraw to my ‘batcave’ also known as my very own personal safe space.
It’s just, having someone in your life who knows all of you, who sees all of you and still loves you? Unconditionally? Well, I’ve never had that before. Generally even in day-to-day life I am an open person, it’s just who I am and my it’s my personality but I feel like there’s a line there still, a line of comfort. Now I have this person who sees all of me and she not only still loves me but for some reason adores me too. It feels so liberating.
Imagine this, someone who knows you, all of you, the good bits, the not so good bits and even your past actions of which you may still feel guilty about and they love you not in spite of that but because it is all a part of what makes you, you. Our past, whether good or bad or mundane or even our little past memories which may haunt us, leads us to where we are and indeed who we are today. Never have I been so open and so frank with someone and this is why I feel like I’m very much living in that vulnerability because guess what? The flood gates are very much open and it is very much a new feeling.
A few mornings ago I found myself wondering if I’m always gonna be living in this vulnerability and I was met with a resounding “yes”. In that moment I realised just how much one person, in this case, one specific person (my partner), can change the way you interact with the world forever – in a positive way. Isn’t that just mind-blowing?!
Here’s a little exert from Brené Brown’s talk on ‘The Power of Vulnerability’ (yes that talk I keep going on about because it is brilliant!):
But there’s another way, and I’ll leave you with this. This is what I have found: to let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen; to love with our whole hearts, even though there’s no guarantee — and that’s really hard, and I can tell you as a parent, that’s excruciatingly difficult — to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we’re wondering, “Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?” just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, “I’m just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I’m alive.” And the last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that we’re enough. Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, “I’m enough,” then we stop screaming and start listening, we’re kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we’re kinder and gentler to ourselves.
I have reached one of those fundamental points in my life. You know the ones I mean, where something of great significance happens and it changes your perspective or your outlook forever. And I got to tell ya, it feels like an awakening. It feels so freeing and so liberating and yet so calming at the same time. It’s like as if everything in my past has been leading up to this point here. Oh and my mental health in terms of strength has never been better actually – just speaking more generally of course. My mental health has been fluctuating of late – caring responsibilities and a useless extended family are really beginning to take its toll on my mum and I and a not-very-nice person from my past popped up unexpectedly which was pretty shit. It’s just frustrating and upsetting sometimes and all of that coupled with other stresses means my mental health is in a little bit of an ‘interesting’ state at the moment. Going back to what I said earlier, in terms of strength, bizarrely, I seem to be in a good place and that’s largely because of having someone there to lean on. And not just anyone though, a loving partner, a best friend, an ally, a support.