I tried to get to sleep but I couldn’t get to sleep. I was tossing and turning far too much and I felt a sudden urge to write.
Will I ever feel the same way if not more about anyone else? Will anyone else ever be on my mind as much as she is? I hate not knowing. I hate waiting. I hate questioning my ability to be to hold on. I believe in destiny – I really do but when I really search myself whilst I believe in destiny and true love I also know what it’s like to be hurt and fucked around with emotionally and to be honest I don’t want that in my life. I mean, who would?! I can feel myself becoming increasingly attached to her and that scares me; a lot. It is rather late in the game to be feeling this way considering that we have already shared our “I-love-you”s.
Maybe I don’t feel for her as strongly as I think I do? Maybe it’s more in my head and I want it to be something that it just isn’t? Maybe we both just got carried away with ourselves and the place we were in. After all, they say that Paris is the romance capital of the world for a reason.
If I weight it all up here’s the sketch. She’s intelligent, caring, considerate, fun to be around, easy to talk to and to top it all off she’s beautiful. So why would I be having doubts about her and ‘us’? Well, there’s about a 3000 mile distance between us. I live in the West and she lives in the Middle East. I have never felt the need or rather the urge to write on such a deep and personal level before. This is one of the many effects that she has on me and considering that we barely know each other it seems completely illogical.
The most prominent question at the moment as I am writing this is what do I do? Do I wait? I already feel as though if I was to see anybody else it would be unfair to her considering we have already said to each that we wouldn’t be able to do that to each other. Even if we hadn’t talked about seeing other people I still couldn’t do it because I am love with her. Or is it infatuation? As you can see I keep second guessing everything and it’s beginning to drive me a little insane. I wouldn’t be able to do anything with anyone else because I wouldn’t want to jeopardise anything that we could potentially have. Clearly, I have a lot of hope riding on this. If only I was a betting person. 😉
A few months ago my relationships with women were somewhat simple and easy. If a relationship wouldn’t work another would easily happen. Whilst I have always been firm in my belief in soul mates and ‘the one’ after my first relationship I felt an urge to experiment and experience the ‘scene’. I think it was my way of dealing with what happened. I have toed the line to the scene before but I have never really had the courage to try it properly. I suppose for a long time I had been trying to reconcile myself, my faith and culture with my sexuality but that’s a blog entry for another time. My brief time on the scene was an experience to say the least! The relationships and women that I encountered were so far from what I actually wanted. My intrigue was because they easy, fun and new. Something new had caught my attention and it excited me. I was unattached and theoretically unable to get hurt.
There’s a reason why understandings or conceptualisations of the world around is are called theories – because they are generally only one person’s viewpoint and they significantly lack in reality and the many if not infinite variables of life. In short, I got hurt. Even so, it wasn’t nearly as fucked up and both physically and mentally draining as the relationship and subsequent break-up with my ex. So, in comparison it was certainly a lot easier and quicker to recover from whilst having a lot of fun at the same time.
A part of me feels as though I have an itch that I need to scratch again. I liked experimenting and getting to know women. Another, and perhaps more prominent part of my mind pulls me out of that mind-set because in my heart and mine I know that that sort of lifestyle is not only detrimental to myself it is also detrimental in the eyes of Allah (swt). However, having just said that I think that I do feel strongly enough for her to wait and to not be romantically involved with anyone else. Realistically, if she still wanted to study in the West I would be waiting about 7 months as a minimum. Can I do that? Well, I to be honest I think I could because considering how I still feel about her even when I try and look at another woman in ‘that’ kind of way I find that I can’t because I’m not interested in anyone but her.
I think I’m struggling with mind vs. heart and logic vs. reality. A movie that I think sums the whole situation is Serendipity. It’s about these people who meet by chance and through fate and destiny years later they eventually end up together.