Stuck in Thoughts of You

For a lesbian it’s somewhat humorous that my mind of late has become overrun by thoughts of a guy. Don’t worry. It’s not in a romantic or sexual way… Although that would most certainly have been rather strange but would fit perfectly in my idea of the fluidity of sexuality and it not being constrained by gender and sex stereotypes.

Alas, these thoughts are of my friend whom I lost a couple of months ago. for years he had suffered from depression but it had now finally taken its toll and he did the only thing he felt he could do and that was taking his own life. I have come to terms with his death. I know that he’s not here anymore but what I can’t get used to is that he helped me so much and he has no idea. He saved my life. When I was struggling with my sexuality he was one of the few people who genuinely believed that everything was going to be okay, that my mum would accept me and would not disown me. Everyone else had massive doubts but he instilled so much hope in me. He believed in me and gave me the strength, comfort and courage I needed to pull through.

In short, I owe him so much and now I can never repay him. He was a beacon of hope in my darkest times. He was the light at the end of the tunnel. In all honesty, I am stuck in the thought that I wish so badly that I could have saved him like he saved me.

Friends have suggested that I go to counselling. I am reluctant to do and not because I don’t think they can because they do but because I feel liked I’d be eating their time. I have lost a friend and that’s what I need to come to terms with which will take time. Now if the counsellors can give me something to make the time go faster then I’ll happily go!

Upon reflection and comments from friends I have begun to realise just how much I use humour and sarcasm as my coping mechanisms. People cope with the stresses and strains of life in different ways which of course isn’t a bad thing. We are all different and our perceptions of stress and how to deal with them will of course be different as well. I think now I’m wondering if my ways of dealing with situations through humour and sarcasm are not in fact dealing with them but rather providing a temporary bandage which I use to help me escape from the realities and the seriousness of some situations

I have so many questions buzzing around my head which means that I also have a prolonged tension headache. As much as I hate to admit it I think at the very least I ought to see my lecturer tomorrow and discuss extensions and maybe even possibly counselling just to put my friends at ease that I am actually okay or rather that I will be okay.

Peter… I will never forget you or what you did for me. You memory will forever live on and will be at its greatest when I am able to help others who are in the same situation as me in terms of their sexuality and religion. I dedicate my human rights activism to you.

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