So recently I’ve been pretty busy wrapping things up at the Student’s Union as my term in office is now over, NUS meetings and conferences and preparation for my cousin’s wedding which is starting next week and then for my friend’s wedding of which I am the official photographer… I’m excited for that! Obviously I’m excited for my cousin’s wedding but more so my friend’s as she asked me, ME to be the official photographer! 😀 Oh and of course job hunting and looking for awesome places to volunteer at to fill my time productively until I go back to university in September.
So. That’s a pretty busy 5/6 months in anyone’s books so why is it that I still feel somewhat apathetic? Actually, apathy is perhaps not the right word. I’m think I’m feeling indifferent. Indifferent? About what though? I don’t know. I’m actually unsure of how to explain the way I have been feeling recently. I think my feelings and mood are a consequence of still not having dealt with my friends death, moving back home, the curtailing of my freedom, my family finding out about my sexuality, frantically searching for a job so I don’t have to claim jobseekers allowance, needing to repair the oh-so-damaged relationship with my father, falling out with two of my close friends, still being pretty much head over trainers for a girl I met 6 months ago that it realistically cannot happen with and my university being somewhat difficult and rejecting my application of extenuating circumstance.
Wow. That’s some mouthful! I don’t think I’m feeling stressed and I’m not sure if I need my cave. My cave used to be a metaphorical place I’d go to when life was just getting too much for me. After a few years the metaphorical place turned into my bed. My bed became my sanctuary for when things just got on top of me. It’s the perfect place to hide out and escape from the world, to be able to recharge your batteries and then when you’re feeling up to it, to face the world again and deal with the issues and jump the hurdles of life. You should try it. It doesn’t have to be a bed, but somewhere that you feel safe to go to whether it is metaphorical or a physical place. It feels so good having somewhere to escape up to; to be able to just sit in silence and not think and just zone out allows you to be able to content and calm. A time-out from the world.
Back to my ramble… I think that maybe I have a void that I need to fill? I don’t know. I wish I knew how I felt because then I would be able to describe it, analyse it and most importantly, deal with it. Must we know our afflictions before we are to deal with them. I have no blumin’ idea. If I do find out I’ll be sure to let you know! All I do know is that I love TED at the best of times but when I’m in this sort of mood I love those videos even more so! These are my two favourites at the moment and they particularly resonated with me. The second one left me feeling vulnerable to the point of where I wanted my physical cave – my bed. I actually watched the videos in bed so I could be somewhat productive in a contemplative and educational way whilst hiding away from the world!
Oh and by the way, if you could offer any advice as to why I feel the way I do or how I can alleviate these feelings of, well, I’m not sure what of but let’s stick with indifference for now, please do let me know. I’m curious to see what you come up with…