In my desire (and to be honest my need; see my last post on vulnerability) in keeping with my theme of self-confessional blog writing and particularly vulnerability, I think it’s about time that I talk about a day that was such a roller coaster of emotion from the very moment I woke up right up until I went to sleep the following day.
I woke up feeling pretty awful to day the least. I was still struggling with my friends death very much so and it was the time when that was all I would think about all day from the moment I woke up to the moment I fell asleep. To say I was in a funky mood all day is an understatement. I had spent the morning in my cave, crying. I was still so overwhelmed about Peter’s death that there was quite literally a dark cloud that overshadowed everything I did, even I suppose, existing.
I couldn’t spend the entire day moping around in bed as I was going to out for lunch with my housemates. It was such a lovely lunch… Home-made Burger Co. make the BEST burgers. I love the fact that the one in Lincoln (of all places!) is halal! We had awesome food, lovely conversation and indeed great company. However, I was still in my funky mood but no one else could tell as I suppose, we all at some point or other master the art of hiding how we’re really feeling through the mask of a smile.
Fast forward a few hours and I was getting ready for the Student Union Awards evening with my housemate. Without sounding like we were too far up our own arses, we looked pretty damn good! My housemate wore light coloured chinos, a shirt, blazer and a blue knitted tie. The tie, o madorable! It has to be said, he looked HOT. I wore bright blue jeans, a white shirt, black blazer and a black bow tie… A proper bow tie… Not the ones that come pre-done. #Jus’Sayin’
The awards evening was beautiful. It was a culmination of Student Union staff, sabbatical officers, student officers, Student Union volunteers and university staff. We all came together to celebrate those who had gone above and beyond their role as students and members of the SU so much so that the SU felt they deserved special recognition. To be in a room full of so many inspiration people who really are making positive changes in their respective fields was a truly wonderful feeling, kind of like the feeling when you smile on the inside and you go all warm too. It was a lovely evening celebrated with friends and colleagues alike. I was invited because I was a student officer (Liberation Officer) or so I thought. Even when people were wishing me luck before-hand, it just didn’t click that I was actually nominated for anything. I was humbled and honoured that I was actually nominated for one category: the Student Union Award and I actually won the Student Representation category. As I collected my award, the lady who was presenting it me greeted me with a hug, kiss and birthday wishes. Yes, the awards evening was the same day as my 21st birthday.
I remember being sat at my table waiting to hear the winners of the prestigious John Jenkinson Award. Mr Jenkinson read out the description of my friend who co-won the award with me. I was so happy for her as she truly deserved it. Then, when he started reading about me all I could think was that I wished Peter was there for me to share that moment with. Even whilst accepting the award and during the speech I wore my mask of happiness when inside I just wanted to cry. I still find it somewhat bizarre even now as to just how easy it is to cover up one’s pain with a mask of a smile.
To cut a long story short, I was coerced into going out that night to not only celebrate my birthday but to celebrate the awards evening too. It wasn’t until I was greeted by my friends after the evening had finished that the cloud was starting to lift. With so much love, happiness and support in the room it proved hard not to want to smile.
After a last minute but great night out I ended up in the hospital. It wasn’t for me but actually my friend. During the night out I heard that she had been taken to hospital so even though it was about 3/4am I felt compelled to see if she was okay. I didn’t get back home ‘till about 7/8am which didn’t bode particularly well for my mum and sister’s visit the same day. On the plus side though, my friend got better which was the most important thing.
In reflection, my day was emotionally hectic and roller coaster-like to say the least. I’ve replayed the day in my head whilst writing this and even now it STILL seems like such a crazy 24 hours. I felt compelled to write this entry just to get it all off my chest to be honest. Just so I can breathe a little more easily. The lesson I learnt that day was twofold. Firstly, life goes on, regardless of what happens and secondly, your friends will always be there for you. Oh, and also, even if you really don’t want to celebrate anything, even you birthday, your friends will make you do it. They really do have an endearing way of making you smile and really lifting your spirits even when they don’t know how you’re truly feeling on the inside.
Forgive my departure of my own rule of not naming people in my blog posts but I can’t help but feel it’s necessary this time.
Caroline, Brad, Euan, Lizzy and Amy, Thank you for a lovely birthday meal. Caroline, Brad and Euan… Thanks for the birthday cake… Even though it had far too many eggs in it, it looked fantastic! 😛
Gemma, Avi, Frankie, Google, Lindsay, Ceetal, Jennine, Kayleigh and Dan… Thank you for making my birthday so lovely and a night to truly cherish and remember.
A special thanks to Euan for being my plus one (I’ve always wanted to say that! :P) to the awards evening and the night out.
To those that I’ve mentioned and others that I’ve forgotten (apologies!) you really are beautiful people. In my whirlwind of emotions and indeed mental health, it is you wonderful people that have helped to keep me sane. You really will never know just how much you have helped me in your own unique ways. I am indebted to you all. ❤