I’m Coming Out… Again.

I’m coming out… Again. This must be my fifth time now! The others being: lesbian, bi (but only to myself), queer and mental health issues. So what am I coming out as this time? Well, genderqueer… Here’s the Urban Dictionary definition:

‘Genderqueer is most commonly used to describe a person who feels that his/her gender identity does not fit into the socially constructed “norms” associated with his/her biological sex.

Genderqueer is an identity that falls anywhere between man/boy/male and woman/girl/female on the spectrum of gender identities.

Mary doesn’t feel that s/he fits the mold of any one particular gender; therefore, Mary identifies as genderqueer.’

Here’s the link for more of their definitions of genderqueer:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=genderqueer

I’m already starting get teary before I’ve barely written anything! This is probably one of the most difficult posts that I’ve written to date. I consider myself a really open person. If you have a look through my blog archive you’ll see that I pretty much write about anything and everything many of which are personal aspects of my life; it’s just who I am. However, with this and a few other topics that I’ve written about, it’s barely something that I’ve got to grips with myself yet which is probably were the difficulty, nervousness and well, fear are based. That and worrying that people’s perception of me will change… Logically, when I think about it I know that most of my friends wouldn’t even bat an eyelid to it and are very accepting it’s just an irrational (sometimes) and self-preservation type fear.

I have started identifying as queer mainly because I believe in the fluidity of sexuality and I absolutely detest boxes/categories as if people are easily places into the Western notion of either/or when it comes to sexuality and many other aspects of life and identity. Recently, I’ve started thinking about define as queer also in terms of gender itself. For as long as I can remember I have always fitted outside the social constructed norms of gender and what it means to be a girl or a woman. I used to play with my cousins when I was younger and I would always play with the boys on their computer games or outside playing cricket or football. I never, ever played with the girls with their dolls. I have always have had a more tomboyish and masculine dress sense and a few years ago, I started wearing men’s clothes. That was in part due to me not wanting to wear ‘girly’ clothes but also in part due to feminist reasons. Girls and women have very gendered clothing in stores and I found it increasingly frustrating that society had certain expectations of what it means to be a girl or a woman and indeed for the opposite sex too. About a year ago, I went from sleeping without a bra, to sometimes not wearing a bra when out of the house to now, not wearing one at all (unless I’m when wearing a certain style of Asian clothing and you can see my nipples because of the fabric – and yes, I just said nipples). I also only wear men’s underwear too.

You know, I remember a few times were I have said to my mum that I don’t feel right wearing a particular type of Asian clothing because I felt like a man in woman’s clothing; more specifically, in drag. I also remember at university, for an awards evening I wore a Western dress with my legs out and everything and while it was my choice, a little part of me didn’t feel quite right wearing it.

I suppose, I’m a curious mixture of genderqueer and androgynous. Sometimes, most of the time, I feel comfortable and proud to identify as a woman. Sometimes, I feel like I don’t want to identify as any gender. Sometimes, I like getting mistaken for a man, well, I always like it when that happens. Sometimes, I get in touch with my feminine side and indulge in it. It all depends on how I feel.

Oh, here’s the Urban Dictionary definition of androgyny:

‘An individual who feels they do not properly fit into the gender roles ascribed by society to males and females. Often feels as though their gender is beyond the understanding of these limiting societal factors and seeks to free themselves from that which limits them by dress in androgynous clothing and attempting to appear on the outside as they feel on the inside.

Nasijra is an androgyne, wow it looks really hot in that outfit today.’

Here’s the link for more of their definitions of androgyny:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=androgyne

I think the idea of being queer fits me in terms of self as well as politics. I enjoy the fluidity it offers and the smashing-the-binary aspect of it because people who do not fit societal norms and are open about it smash the binary by the simple (yet often difficult) act of being visible. My journey of sexuality and gender identity will be evolving and changing until the day I leave this earth and now, I have started my somewhat new journey of becoming more comfortable of being fluid openly with my gender expressions and it feels really good finally being able to say it, openly and honestly.

[I forgot to add an important part of my story which a friend has just asked me about. He asked me: Have you ever thought about having a sex change?’

I think I may have talked about this in an earlier post regarding the journey of my sexuality but I have also thought about it in terms of my gender too. When I was younger, there was a time were I thought a number of things relating to my possible trans* identity:

1. Because I believed that my culture and religion could never accept me as I am, that maybe a sex change was the only forward;

2. There was a time when I did genuinely thought that perhaps I would be more comfortable as a man instead of being a woman.

In hindsight though I realise now that those reasons in thinking about my possible trans* identity were because of the lack of understanding, tolerance and acceptance around different ideas and realisations of sexuality and gender identities within the cultural and religious people around me more specifically. I also feel that the first in particular was incredibly damaging to my psyche in terms of my sense of belonging, or rather my lack of a sense of belonging so much so that I felt that I needed to do something so drastic in order to fit in and be accepted.

I am so glad I came out of the other side and now I am comfortable in exploring my sexuality and gender identities outside of the societal norms in a totally binary smashing way with the love, acceptance and support of my friends as well as my Facebook friends and Twitter followers. The latter two surprisingly mean a lot because cyber love and support is SO empowering especially when you can connect with people in all sorts of ways in love and solidarity.]

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7 thoughts on “I’m Coming Out… Again.

  1. Always great to read your thoughts and feel honoured that you’re sharing these ones……also feel less alone at feeling like someone so difficult for other people to place in a box for their own convenience!

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words and support! I really do appreciate it!

      As for the second half of your comment, I think that’s the best thing I’ve ever read. I agree with you… Boxes and labels etc are totally there to make other people feel more comfortable although, I think it’s a little more complex than that but the fundamentals is similar.

      Thanks again! 🙂

  2. That is an incredibly brave post – it’s rare you see anything that honest, either in fact or fiction! Finding an identity you feel comfortable with is hard at the best of times 🙂 Well done on both finding it and writing this

    1. Thank you for your kind words. Writing such personal posts is made a little easier with all the support I get, even from people in social networking sites who I have yet to meet! X

    1. It’s because of beautiful people like you in my life that I feel comfortable in being who I am, openly. It’s so incredibly cheesy but it’s true. Thank you. ❤ xx

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