So when I first sat to write this I was staring aimlessly towards a blank screen. I knew what I wanted to write I just had no idea where on earth to start or even how to articulate those thoughts which is bizarre in itself. How can you know what you want to say but unable to find the words? It was at that moment that I felt a compelling urge to pray – so I did. I got up and found the nearest pray mat and I sat and prayed to Allah. I’ve noticed that usually when I pray I cry which can mean a few emotions and not just sadness. It takes a lot for me to cry and yet when I pray chances are I’m gonna cry. I’m not sure what sort of tears these were. Right now, I’m thinking they were tears of relief in finding a way forward. I think. I hope.
Okay so let me rewind a little. All of this started from my gym session earlier today. The gym session itself was really great, until my headphones broke, or rather, until I broke them and have to get a new pair. The continued gym session after that was really productive. I can see and feel a massive improvement in my physique and strength; my love handles are reducing and I can lift heavier than I’ve ever been able to.
All sounds pretty normal right? Until I decided to speak to one of the personal trainers there. I’d been recommended her by a few of the other personal trainers there because she specialises in injuries and rehabilitation. So we had a little session, went through all the standard stuff of explaining the injury (I was going ridiculously fast on my push bike a few years ago and went straight into a low rising wall because I didn’t slow down quick enough…. broke my front tooth in half, fractured my toe and bruised my face) and then she proceeded to go through the standard stuff of checking over my muscles and other related things. What caught me completely off guard was when she asked if I had experienced any trauma. Before she asked she did say that I didn’t have to say but to at least think about it. Now, inside I was thinking a combination of ‘what the fuck?!’ and simultaneously remembering past events. She talked about how when we don’t let go of things or deal with properly it starts to manifest in our bodies. She thought that my body pain could be because of emotional and other trauma which I may have experienced. You know the whole thing about the mind, body and soul being connected? Well, I knew that any way but somehow the way she explained it just clicked – like something moved in me.
I can’t remember exactly how she said it but she mentioned that because of my degree and activist and human rights work that I’m naturally going to feel things more because of nature of caring about other people and wanting to help them. Now this point made me think about the idea and process of self-care and how I’m failing miserably at it. Now, self-care is something activists talk about a lot and I know I’ve mentioned it a few times but I didn’t realise to the extent of which I wasn’t implementing it properly… My body hurts…
Suffice to say after this physically and emotionally intense mini session I had a good cry in the shower and it felt
liberating? not liberating. That’s not the right word. I felt relief. For the past few weeks I’ve been pondering about whether to give therapy a go again and tonights’ events have made that decision for me – a big fat yes I really should.
I have a mental list of all of things I need to talk about and ultimately, I suppose, actually deal with. I’ve written about most, if not all of these things in my posts… I thought that my blog acted as a therapy thing for me, as in, an outlet for me to then be able to process and deal with whatever I may be going through both positive and negative. In retrospect (yeah that annoying thing!) it turns out that actually I should have done something more… I do find blogging therapeutic and I love that others can find solace in my words but I need to find closure on the events which I’m holding on to of which my body seems to be taking the toll.
For the first time in a while my shoulders are relaxed and I don’t feel as tense.
Mind. Body. Soul.
“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”
― Audre Lorde